the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
