Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
