i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
