there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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