Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You ate ashes out of my bong
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
