Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
