I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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