i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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