He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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