ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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