Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
