she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
