apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My dick has a subreddit
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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