I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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