R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
