I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
