I haven't been this sober since birth.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
