I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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