We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
