I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
