i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
