youre lurking in front of me
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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