a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
