I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
