Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
