OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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