A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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