Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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