everyone is single if you try hard enough
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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