i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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