Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
