Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
