I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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