Acid is not a monday night drug
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
