guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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