Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
