i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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