You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
