I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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