i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
