I think my vagina is haunted
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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