Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
