The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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