if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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