Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
