dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
