Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
