Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
