You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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