He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
