Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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