Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
